The idea behind the “Bar Fight Bracket” was to bring together a group of 64 people/characters and have a fun debate on who would be the best to have with you in a bar fight.
So who’s in the Bar Fight Bracket? The bracket is a healthy mix of actors, specific movie or TV tough guys, celebrities, and a handful of cartoon characters. Several entries added some humor to the bracket and will introduce some interesting debates about why Squidward, broken beer bottle wrapped in his slimy tentacle, might be better in a bar fight than Vin Diesel… “Guys! He has like six arms and legs and they’re tentacles! Plus he has serious anger issues! I’m taking Squidward. No brainer.”
Without further ado, here is the Bar Fight Bracket. Like all 64 team brackets, it has been divided into four regions and we named each region after an iconic bar in the US. We’ll be accompanying each bracket with blog posts where you can vote on each matchup of each round. Please remember to sign up with BracketBlog and share your favorite brackets with your friends!
McSorley’s Region – New York, NY
Let’s dive right into the first round matchups. We’re heading to the Big Apple for this first region and grabbing a light and a dark from the barkeep at McSorley’s Old Ale House!
#1 John Wick -vs- #16 Kramer
The first 1v16 of the tournament pits professional hitman John Wick vs Kramer from Seinfeld. John Wick has all the training and experience to be an excellent bar fight wingman for you here. Kramer might have just gotten back from his favorite fruit stand with a nice big pineapple to whack people with Who would you choose to fight with you?
#8 Red Power Ranger -vs- #9 Shrek
The 8v9 games are always tough ones to pick. They’re usually very even matchups and can often go down to the wire. Here we have the Red Power Ranger as the 8 seed going up against 9 seed Shrek the Ogre. Both have clear upside in a bar fight. Shrek has the girth and overall power while the Red Power Ranger brings excellent martial arts skills. Who do you got?
#5 Clint Eastwood -vs- #12 Barack Obama
The 5v12 games usually will yield at least one upset. Will this be the one? 5 seed Clint Eastwood may be old, but this bracket is giving you Dirty Harry himself in his prime. This hardened, true blooded American man will be ready for you. Plus, is there anyone else you would rather slam a shot of whiskey and chase it with a PBR with than Clint?
The 12 seed here is former US President Barack Obama. Barack doesn’t necessarily convey toughness, but he did grow up on the south side of Chicago. That definitely counts for something. You know he’s been in some tussles before. That said, many people question if ol’ Barry had the American people’s best interest in mind during his presidency. Can you trust him to have your back in a bar fight?
#4 Tom Hardy -vs- #13 Chef (from South Park)
Tom Hardy is just a bad ass. The #4 seed here has played so many tough and intimidating characters we’ve lost count. Obviously he broke Batman in half when he was Bane. He absolutely pummeled people in Warrior. Plus, he just looks angry. This is the kind of man who scares people. Great asset in a bar fight.
The #13 going up against Tom Hardy here is one of the biggest underdogs of the tournament. Jerome “Chef” McElroy may just be a small town elementary school cafeteria worker, but he’s got to have some sort of sketchy past right? Something that might make him an asset in this bar fight? At the very least maybe he’ll have a ladle or frying pan on him that he can smack some people with.
#6 Ron Artest -vs- #11 Inspector Gadget
Great 6v11 matchup here. We have the 6 seed Ron Artest – NBA bad boy who changed his name to Metta World Peace but not before being a part of the most infamous brawl in professional sports. On the other side, we have 11 seed Inspector Gadget – cyborg police investigator who you’re never really sure what he has up his sleeve. Who do you value here more?
#3 Rocky Balboa -vs- #14 The Chicken (from Family Guy)
Upset alert? Rocky Balboa enters the tournament as a 3 seed and one of the favorites due to his multiple heavyweight titles and that one time he single handedly ended the Cold War; however a high flying 14 seed wants to play the role of Cinderella.
Fresh off several insane battles, the Chicken from Family Guy is in the best fighting shape of his life. His last clash with Peter lasted over five minutes, he survived three different explosions and escaped a sinking oil rig. The Chicken has serious pain tolerance, but then again so does Rocky. This should be a great battle.
#7 Archer -vs- #10 Mike Ditka
Coach Ditka versus a hurricane. Who would win? This matchup is a doozy. We all know who da superfans would pick, but what about you? Archer may be the world’s greatest spy and functioning alcoholic which gives him some great points, but Ditka could clear a bar out real fast if he drops one of these bombs. What a great 7v10 matchup!
#2 Liam Neeson -vs- #15 Gumby
Barney’s Region – Los Angeles, CA
Our next region takes us out to sunny California and places us in a classic bar frequented by Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin while also serving as the location where Quentin Tarantino wrote Pulp Fiction. Let’s go grab a shot of whiskey at Barney’s Beanery in Los Angeles and check out the next slate of games.
#1 Chuck Norris -vs- #16 Your Friend Bryan
Almost certainly the best 1v16 matchup of the entire bracket. Chuck Norris, number one seed and one of the overall favorites to win the entire tournament going up against your friend Bryan. It’s the classic David vs Goliath matchup. Can your friend Bryan pull the upset like UMBC did over Virginia in this year’s NCAA tournament? Can your friend Bryan re-write history? Let’s dive in. Chuck Norris doesn’t need an introduction. He’s been literally branded the toughest SOB on earth. There are hundreds of Chuck Norris jokes to prove this. When Chuck Norris goes swimming, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris. How could you not want this guy on your side in a bar fight?
Your friend Bryan loves to drink. He’s the friend who loves to wake up at 6AM on St. Patrick’s Day and start slamming car bombs with his roommate Rob and their other bro Steve. Bryan loves to argue and loves to call people wrong. He’s an instigator. He’s always right. Even when he’s not, he thinks he is. He’s also Irish (obviously) so he has that inner fighting Irish spirit. Despite all his faults, Bryan has always been there for you. You can count on him 100% of the time. If you ever needed him, he’d be there.
Someone at the bar just said he banged your mom last night. It’s time for a brawl. Who do you have? Chuck Norris? Or your friend Bryan?
#8 Spartacus -vs- #9 Jim Hopper
Do you want the gladiator who hundreds stood up for and tried to protect? Or do you want the cig rippin’, always kinda hungover lookin’ guy who helped your favorite group of kids defeat an evil alien dimension demogorgon?
#5 Tyler Durden -vs- #12 Dr. Cox
#4 Arnold Schwarzenegger -vs- #13 Kevin Costner
The governator versus the man who picked Vonte Mack no matter what! Let’s paint Costner in a better light here. He was badass as Devil Anse Hatfield and also has seen his share of fights. You can’t sleep on him. AH-Nold needs no introduction. He’s been known to crack some skulls and also rocks a mean collection of cowboy boots.
#6 Tupac -vs- #11 Borat
#3 Jason Mamoa -vs- #14 Papa Smurf
#7 Gaston -vs- #10 Johnny Drama
Really tough matchup here. On one hand you have Gaston, the true hero of Beauty and the Beast. All he ever wanted to do was be jacked, bang girls, and kill a monstrous beast who kidnapped a young girl and held her against her will. If that’s not a hero then we don’t know what is! Johnny Drama, however, is the ultimate bro and you know he’ll have your back just like he did for his boys in Vegas.
#2 Jason Statham -vs- #15 Tigger
Jason Statham, another juggernaut and favorite in this tournament, up here against Tigger from Winnie The Pooh. Should be a blow out; however, Tigger is fast and can get the drop on ’em. That said, when he’s got ’em down, you can’t tell if he then is going to finish them off or if he’s trying to seduce them.
Green Mill Region – Chicago, IL
Now it’s on to the Windy City and our third region. We’ll be grabbing a corner booth at the Green Mill Cocktail Lounge in Chicago – an old hangout of Al Capone back in the day – and catching some smooth jazz while enjoying a cold beer and discussing these next eight matchups.
#1 Popeye -vs- #16 Dave Chappelle
#8 Red Forman -vs- #9 Kurt Russell
We have a solid 8v9 battle here. Red Forman is always down to give out a good, swift kick in the ass! On the other side, Kurt Russell is a pretty tough guy and we know he can handle a beer. Those quick reflexes could come in handy in a bar fight.
#5 Sean Connery -vs- #12 Ron Swanson
#4 Mr. T -vs- #13 Stifler
Here’s a matchup that pins brute strength and size against stupidity. Mr. T has drove home some serious haymakers in his time and one time even knocked out a shark! He could be an amazing asset in a bar fight. Hard to see how Stifler wins this one, but you can never underestimate him. You never know what he’s got up his sleeve.
#6 Indiana Jones -vs- #11 Jon Gruden
#3 Jackie Chan -vs- #14 Dwight Schrute
Hard to argue against having a martial arts master like Jackie Chan on your side during a bar fight. Dwight Schrute is an amazing paper salesman and beet farmer. His resume doesn’t seem to include anything that would help in a bar fight; however, he keeps weapons randomly hidden around the office and we can’t shake the feeling that something deep down within him is evil. Still, hard to see an upset happening here.
#7 Joe Pesci -vs- #10 Kronk
Kronk is a really big dude. So you’d think he might be able to hold his own in a bar fight. He probably could, but he’s also kinda oblivious to life… He’s definitely a wild card pick. Joe Pesci feels safer here, but he’s kinda short and people may not take him seriously.
#2 The Rock -vs- #15 Marv (from Home Alone)
It would be pretty awesome if Marv upset the Rock here and Joe Pesci beat Kronk to force a meet up of the Wet Bandits in the round of 32. More realistically though, the Rock demolishes him. Marv can’t really take a hit and Daddy’s gotta go to work.
McGillin’s Region – Philadelphia, PA
Lastly, our final region and the last eight games of the first round take us to the city of brotherly love and the iconic pub McGillin’s. Applebee’s actually modeled their restaurants after this classic Philadelphia ale house. Let’s get to the final slate of games!
#1 John McClane -vs- #16 Jeff Bezos
One of the greatest action movie heroes from everyone’s all time favorite Christmas movie going up against the world’s richest man. Hard to see Bezos pulling this one off; however, he could just buy the entire bar and probably everyone in it too.
#8 Danny Trejo -vs- #9 Austin Powers
Danny Trejo just looks like he’s a top enforcer for the Mexican drug cartel. He’s an intimidating guy. Austin Powers is the International Man of Mystery. He could probably judo chop his way out of this bar fight for you, but he’s way more likely to just end up banging that blonde girl sitting four seats down the bar.
#5 Denzel Washington -vs- #12 Buzz Lightyear
Denzel Washington is one intimidating dude. The intimidation factor definitely gives him some points in a bar fight. Buzz Lightyear is a space ranger. If taken literally, that’s also kind of intimidating. Buzz comes equipped too with his laser that for the sake of this tournament is just a bright light, but it can still throw some people off and if it stays locked on long enough it could blind someone! So there’s that!
#4 Ray Lewis -vs- #13 Kenny Powers
Ray Lewis (allegedly) killed a guy in a night club. Bar fights have a home field advantage for one of the scariest linebackers in NFL history. Kenny Powers, however, could just pick a shot glass up off the bar and start knocking out people’s eye balls. Daryl from The Office did not deserve that one.
#6 Tasmanian Devil -vs- #11 Paul Pierce
Paul Pierce has bar fight experience. In this fight he was stabbed 11 times and had a bottle smashed over his head. He went on to still play all 82 games that season. That’s toughness. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s 6’7″ and 236 pounds. That size can go a long way in a bar fight. Above all, he’s a winner and it’s good to have a winner on your side.
#3 Vin Diesel -vs- #14 Squidward
Awesome 3v14 battle here because we believe the 14 seed has a real chance. As alluded to above, Squidward has multiple tentacles and he could use them to take down multiple people at once in a bar fight. He also has serious anger issues and having a crazy, angry squid guy with six arms and legs on your side in a bar fight wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Vin Diesel though. He’ll do it for you. He’ll do it for family.
#7 Tom Selleck -vs- #10 Hulk Hogan
#2 Jack Bauer -vs- #15 Bilbo Baggins
Juggernaut Jack Bauer takes on crafty hobbit Bilbo Baggins. Very intriguing 2v15 matchup here. Jack Bauer is, quite literally, Jack Bauer. He does stuff like this. Bilbo Baggins would be most useful avoiding the fight and trying to mess with people at knee level.
Thus concludes the first round. Make sure to share this bracket with your friends and get your votes in so we can ultimately determine who you would want with you in a bar fight.